Excerpts From Various Notebooks #2

I'm dazzled that I'm alive, that I actually made it past all the unfathomable "what-ifs" prior to my birth. Still, though, I feel somewhat unwelcome. I feel inadequate and unimportant towards the precious purpose of existence. Like accidentally getting into Harvard without having put in the necessary effort; not being good enough. I feel like I belong to an inferior race of human beings- the accidents. Those just meekly meandering the planet, using oxygen, burning through supplies, and feeling guilty for it each and every day.

The girl was like a furnace. A fire churned inside her, roasting her insides, and when she spoke, out came fireworks.

I walked out of my bedroom, the soulless pit of lukewarm familiar...

The fact that I look different, I think different, I was raised different, and I want different things is scary,but it's also somehow beautiful. To think that I'm that special. No one on earth is the same as me. Not a single one. So from that angle, I guess that means there's less competition...

This is a world of "just do it" and "act first, think later" and "do what they're doing" and I just can't.

The fact that everyone that catches a glimpse of me immediately develops an opinion of me TERRIFIES ME.


I don't like feeling girly. I do enjoy feeling feminine from time to time.

I'm not pretty, but I think I can compensate for that by hiding in my hair and wearing the right jeans.

There's something really beautiful about swimming. It's not just 'fun'; it really is a spiritual experience for me. The act of dipping yourself into a body of water, putting yourself in an environment that completely defies the laws of gravity, and maneuvering your way through. You weave yourself in and out of the clear, sparkling liquid, and even though you have no air to sustain you, you're still alive and well, completely safe. I love observing things underwater. I love laying at the bottom of the pool and just watching the water swirl the sky. It's fantastic. But what's fantastic in another way is getting out, and comforting yourself with dry clothing. Drying off is one of the most comforting things in the world after a swim. I honestly don't know which part I enjoy the most. But when your clothing warms you up after a wonderful swim, it kind of cradles you into a sleepy state of being, and your body turns into jello.

'In the moment' lasts an eternity. But it's when you're pondering over your collections of memories and all the fantastic moments of your life that you realize that time goes by faster than any force in the universe. So, how can anyone possibly expect me to live in the thick, syrupy presence of the now when I have shattered pieces of time scattered precariously all over the floor around me? I must find where all these pieces connect! Really, where did all the time go?

I have a diamond sitting inside of me. It's brilliant and beautiful, but the longer it sits within me, the heavier it weighs, slowly ripping apart my insides. All I've ever wanted to do was to show it to somebody, but it's molded a home within me, a nest of its own, and if I were to rip it out, it would blind people to death, and I would bleed out more of my soul than I ever intended.